Florida Barbie Dolls
Submitted by Standup Dude - Sat, Saturday, October 22, 2005
Mattel recently announced the release of limited edition Barbie dolls for
the South Florida market.
Boca Raton Barbie
This princess Barbie is only sold at the Town Center Mall. She comes with an
assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a longhaired foreign lap-dog
named Honey, and a cookie-cutter dream house with lawn service. Available
with or without tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic ex-husband Ken comes
with a Porsche.
Coral Springs Barbie
This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar mini-van
and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation
or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Can
swear in English and Spanish. Available at Target.
This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, bowie knife, a '78 El
Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only
available after dark and can only be bought with cash, preferably small
bills, unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.
Palm Beach Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2.
Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card set, and country club
membership. Also available are Shallow Ken and Spanish-speaking Nanny.
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small,
a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her shoulder. Wants to
major in NASCAR. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr.
CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she
is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag
bumper sticker absolutely free. Available at Big Lots & Dollar General
Lake Worth Barbie
This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled
sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of
Lake Worth Barbie's house (discontinued). Her ensemble includes low-rise
acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip-gloss, and a see-through
halter-top. Comes with Barbie's dream doublewide trailer. Available at
Fort Lauderdale Barbie
This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears leopard print Spandex and
drinks cosmopolitans to new age music with friends at the martini bar. Comes
with Percocet prescription and botox injections.
This Barbie now comes with a stroller, infant doll and bible. Optional
accessories include a G.E.D. and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79 Caddy
were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the
infant. Available at any Christian bookstore.
Delray Beach Barbie
Is pregnant, drives a new Ford Excursion, and is perfect in every way.
Worships the sun by day and strolls down the Avenue by night. We don't know
who Ken is because he's always in North Florida or Georgia hunting or on a
business trip. Delray Beach Barbie aspires to become Boca Raton Barbie. Not
cheap, but still very naive.
North Miami Barbie
This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota with expired
temporary plates and three babies in the back, without car seats. This is
the only Barbie willing to do manual labor. Ken comes in a meat-packer's
uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not
yet available for the northern Miami Barbie or Ken.
South Beach Barbie/Ken
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply
adding or subtracting the "snap-on" parts. Likes to experiment." Comes with
bikini and club wear (sunglasses can be worn with both). Techno music
collection & Glow sticks included. South Beach Rave Club sold separately
for all night fun!